Before you read this, I need you to know this is not a "woe-is-me" post. This post is just my thoughts that I had last night, and I need to get them out. Also, this is really long...as are the rest of my notes. Did you really expect anything else? I'm being super vulnerable posting this. Be kind.
I've been obese my entire life. As long as I can remember, I've had wayyyyyyy too many extra pounds all over my body. As a result of that, I have never had much self-confidence. I have let it stop me from doing SO many things. It doesn't help that I was teased about it growing up, but that's not the point of this note.
I stood in front of the mirror last night, as I've done plenty of times before. This time was different, though. This time I made myself actually look at myself. I rolled up my shirt and just stared at my stomach. I twisted and turned, moved it around, and poked it for about 10 minutes, just thinking. Why have I let something like that take over my life the way it has? It's just fat. It does not define me. I saw a quote last week, and I loved it. It said, "You are not fat. You have fat. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE." I mean, I've been calling myself fat for years. I wasn't doing it to be mean to myself (most of the time); I was being truthful. I have a lot of fat on me, so I called myself fat. Ever since I heard that quote, though, I can't stop thinking of how terrible I've been to myself about my weight.
We all know I love a good fat joke....especially when I make one about myself in front of skinny/fit people who don't know me too well (you should really see their faces). But still. I know being able to poke fun of myself is a good quality, but what does that really say about myself? What do people think about me after that happens? Do they think I'm okay with it? Do they think I'm hiding behind the jokes? I feel like I fixate on my weight more than any of my friends do. That makes sense, because I live with it every day, but...how would my life be if I just accepted myself?
I think it's safe to say I am addicted to food. I've never said that aloud before, but it makes sense to me. Like most people who have a lot of extra weight on their body, I am an emotional eater. Lately, I've also been obsessed with weighing myself...like, multiple times a day obsessed. I KNOW that is bad, but I just can't help it. And if I see a number that I don't want to see, then I get upset, and I feel like nothing else I do that day will help. My thought process is ALWAYS, "Well...one [blah blah blah] won't make a difference anyway." but then I totally eat more than one. I also have little-to-no will power. There have been a few instances where I was doing super well, and I was able to deny everything bad for me, but that's not how it usually works...especially if I'm...emotional. [I know this is a problem, and I am working on it]
I think the worst thing about being addicted to food is that I need it to live. Granted, I don't need the foods I'm eating, but I still have to face food every day. It's not like other addictions where it only harms my body. Unlike those other addictions, if I don't put this substance in my body, I will die. [I'm not saying it's not my fault]
BUT! Unlike most people who have a lot of extra weight on their body, I am kinda healthy: I don't have diabetes. I don't have a thyroid problem. I don't have heart problems. I don't have to use a walker. I'm not confined to a wheelchair. I don't have to be on oxygen. I don't have to stop and rest after walking only a few feet. Yet. These things are all in my future if I keep living the way I am.
As I was staring at my stomach last night, I realized that I just need to be happy with myself. If I can't love myself at this weight, I won't be able to love myself at a lesser weight. For years I've thought that losing weight would bring me self confidence, but that's not it at all. The only way I can get more confident about myself is to love myself for who I am and what I look like. Right now.
For 25 years, I have hated everything about my body. Do you know what that's like? I can't do that anymore. I won't do that anymore. Whether it's from all the junk food I've eaten my entire life, or whether God just really wants me obese, I need to accept the way I am now, that way I can accept myself later.
I'm still going to work towards getting healthier and losing some pounds, but I'm going to be doing it for the right reasons now. I don't need to lose weight to be happy with myself. Not anymore.
XOXO
Jen
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