Cancer

I lost my grandmother June 20, 2009 to lung cancer. I didn't really get close with my grandma until my senior year of high school, but she was very special to me. While cleaning out my closet the other night, I found some papers from an old journal. The only entry (which is technically 2), is about her. This is very personal and scary for me to put out there, but I feel like I need to. I think she had a bad day sometime before I wrote this entry. Here is what I wrote:

March 23, 2009
What am I going to do? I can't take this stress any longer. This is all too much for me to handle. I want to be strong and I want to not be in constant sorrow 24/7, but that just isn't how my life is going to work. I can't handle this. I feel selfish for making this all about me. She's the one with cancer. She's the one that should have a journal for her feelings, not me. I wish I could take all her pain away. I would put it all on myself just for her to feel better and be cancer-free. Grandma Ethel has gone through too much in her life already, why does she need to leave it with lung cancer? It's not fair. No one should have to feel cancer's evil wrath, whether it be someone with the disease, or a loved one of something with the disease. She is the glue that holds this family together. Without her, we would all just fall apart. What did we do to deserve this? I wish there were some way, any way, that time can be reversed and she didn't get cancer. Ot, that it would just go away. I don't know how we will survive without her. She is one of the most amazing people on this planet. She can hate your guts, yet she will feed you, clothe you, and give you a warm place to stay. Except, I don't think she hates anyone. Just dislikes. I haven't cried in about 24 hours. I'm proud of myself. I don't want to think about the day she finally goes to see the Lord, but it seems to be the only thing I can think about. Does that make me a bad granddaughter? Or am I, maybe, trying to prepare myself for that dreadful day? Either way, I wish I could stop. It seems the only time I don't think about that is when I'm sleeping. Even then she's sometimes in me dreams. I'm going to sleep to dream happy things because I know I won't be happy anymore when I wake up and have to face the harsh reality...

12 hours later
I feel a little better. Only because I know grandma is feeling better. I don't think I'm going to cry today either. I sure hope I don't. I usually only cry when she's having a bad day. I like to talk to Lisa about everything because she helps. Even if she starts crying, it helps me to know I'm not the only one. I've been looking at different pictures and tattoo ideas on Google a lot these past few days. I thought I knew what I wanted until I saw all the other cure designs on the web. Now I have no clue what I want to get or where I want to get it. It's just extra hard because lung cancer ribbons are white. White isn't going to look good as a tattoo. So I don't know what to do about that. Lisa said the things that best describe grandma are coffee or cigarettes. If I liked coffee or cigarettes, maybe I would consider that idea. Just kidding. I want something cute, that I won't be afraid to show off, but I can also hide it if I want to...

Lisa is my eldest cousin. We bonded a lot during this time.

Cancer is so stupid. As I was writing this post, my ma got a call saying her uncle died from cancer. I have never hated anything as much as I hate cancer. It's not fair.

XOXO

Jen